


finding peace

by EscapingReality51



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Ben Mitchell Loves Callum "Halfway" Highway, Canon Related, M/M, Reunion Fic, ben stops being scared, look I just wanted to write these two getting back together okay I needed some happiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2020-01-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:20:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22176946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EscapingReality51/pseuds/EscapingReality51
Summary: Ben's got a hole in his chest where Callum used to be and he doesn't know how to fix it.orThe reunion fic I just had to write okay I'm sorry.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 17
Kudos: 153





	finding peace

Callum’s back.

No one tells him directly, but it is whispered whenever he enters the pub, or the café, or rounds the corner. Someone’ll be there, looking at him like there’s something to pity him for. He just stuffs his hands in his pockets and walks past them. 

So what if Callum’s back. 

Doesn’t change anything. 

He sees him across the street one morning, hair sitting prettily on top of his head, suit on underneath a thin jacket. Ben’s first thought is that he must be cold but he stops that immediately; not his place to worry. Besides, Callum never seemed to need one before. 

Callum’s walking to work and just as he is about to turn towards the door he looks over his shoulder, and their eyes meet. 

Those eyes. Ben thinks he can almost see that bright blue from across the street, even if it is way too far. He couldn’t forget that colour, not if he tried. They are hard as they stare at him, challenging him to walk closer, to speak, to do anything but hide. 

Ben stares right back, eyes hard while his heart pounds. In the end he is the one to turn first, stuffing his hands further in his pocket and pulling his shoulders up to meet his ears. He walks away without looking back, though he desperately wants to. 

“Jay, you up for a drink?” Ben’s voice echoes through the offices of Coker & Mitchell, announcing his arrival before he walks through the door to the office only to find - 

“Callum,” he says. His feet stop in their track and he stares at him.

Callum meets his gaze, eyes steely and hard. “Jay’s not here,” he says. 

“I can see that, thanks.” 

Callum goes back to working on whatever paperwork is in front of him. 

The silence between them is stifling, filled with hurt and anger and a pain that isn’t just Callum’s. Ben stands there for a few seconds, staring at him, watching the way his fingers hold the pen and the way his shoulders slump over the desk that is just a bit too short for his tall frame. He’s a man starved and he takes in every single detail, trying to imbed it into his memory.

“You just going to stand there?” Callum finally says. 

Ben’s brain goes blank. 

“Look Callum,” he starts, but he can’t. He wants to apologise, to take it all back, to pull Callum closer and tell him…  _ nothing. _

He doesn’t say another word. Neither does Callum. Ben just leaves, phone out of his pocket before his foot hits the pavement, and he opens whichever hook-up app he sees first on his phone. 

He hasn’t opened one in months, not since - well, not since Callum’s wedding. A bit before that, if he lets himself admit it. He scrolls through it, looking at fit bloke after fit bloke but his thumb just hovers over the match button, unwilling to press it for any of them. He hates to admit it but he doesn’t want them, not now, not after the past few months. 

He closes the app and orders another beer. 

Lola’s the first one to outright mention it. 

She joins him at the Vic, her furrowed brow and tight-lipped expression the picture of concern. 

“You pulled yourself together yet?” 

Ben stares at her without saying a word. Opening his mouth would be dangerous, would be inviting more trouble than he needs. Lola doesn’t seem to be deterred, though. She sits down and stares at him. 

“Ben, you can’t keep doing this.” 

“Doing what?” he replies, hanging on the last consonant. 

“Pushing away the people that care about you,” she says. 

“Look, it’s over. It doesn’t matter,” he says. 

“Of course it matters!” Lola’s eyes are softening and he can’t keep looking at her, not when she’s looking at him like - like she cares. “I saw you and Callum together, you care about him and I know he cares about you.”

Ben stares at his hand around a pint, watches as condensation beads around his skin. 

“You’re allowed to be happy, Lexi should have a happy dad, and Callum wants to make you happy.” She pauses, waiting for a response that isn’t coming. When she realises it, she sighs. “Just… sort it out, Ben. Whatever’s going on in there, sort it.” 

Callum usually goes to lunch at around 12:15. Where he goes differs, and whether he comes back with something or stays out for lunch does too, but Ben knows he leaves the Undertaker’s at 12:15, walking out of the door without a jacket, stuffing his hands in his pockets, and walking off. 

Ben sometimes sits on the bench by the park when he does it, eyes settling on Callum for the briefest of seconds before he looks away. Their eyes don’t meet, Callum doesn’t even see him but Ben gets a chance to just look. 

There’s an ache in his chest when he does. 

Callum looks good today. Great, even. He smiles at a passer-by before crossing the road and then Ben stares at the ground. Callum looked happy and damn it if it isn’t what Ben wants, but the ache presses on his lungs and makes it harder to breathe. 

Damn it, he wants him. It hasn’t disappeared, not in the weeks since Ben last spoke to him, almost a month since he left. The softness to Ben’s life is gone, and he feels more hollow for being able to see it at a distance. 

Ben takes a few deep breaths before getting up and walking away. 

Without speaking, they’ve mapped out the Vic, splitting it down the middle so they can both exist but separately. 

Ben’s got an end of the bar and a few of the tables, and Callum’s too close to Mick for him to get anything but most of the bar. If Ben sits there with his back turned, he can almost pretend Callum isn’t there. Almost. 

When he walks in he does a quick scan on the place and, upon finding the clientele satisfactory, sits down at a table and gets himself a pint. He just wants a quiet one, a small drink at his local before he has dinner with his family but then the door opens. 

Their eyes lock almost instantly. Ben sees Callum pause in the doorway, take a deep breath, and then continue on inside, but he isn’t alone. After him walks a tall, muscular man, all smiles and sweet eyes, wearing a tight white t-shirt and ragged jeans. He’s hot, even Ben can see that, he clearly goes to the gym enough to stretch the fabric of his t-shirt across his arms. There’s a flare of hurt that Ben has to douse with some beer.

Ben’s eyes trail after them as they take a seat together at the bar, Callum’s  _ date  _ \- Ben sees enough going on between them to know this - with his back turned to Ben. 

Callum’s on a date. 

Ben takes a large sip of his pint and stares at his, willing his eyes not to watch Callum’s face as they talk. 

Callum’s on a date - why wouldn’t he be?

It makes Ben’s stomach clench when he hears Callum’s laugh ring out, a sound he found so calming and lovely but now it isn’t because of him. When Callum’s eye accidentally meets Ben’s it takes all Ben’s will-power to keep his gaze steady, not backing down; he has to save face. After a few seconds, Callum looks away, shaking his head just enough for Ben to notice.

Ben downs his beer and slams it on the table before getting up. He plans to walk straight past the two of them but something inside him rears, stops his feet in their track, and eyes Callum maliciously as he sticks a hand out. 

“You’re new here,” he says, eyes running up and down the man sitting opposite him. “I’m Ben.” 

“Erh, Mark,” says the guy, dark brown eyes glancing up at Ben. “If you don’t mind, we’re in the middle of something here.” 

Ben stares at Callum. “I’m sure you are, his name ain’t Halfway anymore, is it Callum?” 

Callum puts a hand on his neck and sighs. “Just, leave Ben.” 

Ben’s never seen Callum like this; there’s anger bubbling under the surface that rarely comes out and there’s a part of Ben that wants to push him, wants to make him react. If Callum felt anything like Ben currently did, it would be enough to send him through the roof. 

“Be sure to make his coffee in the morning, or he’s a right grump.” 

Without meeting Callum’s eye, he leaves, hands pressed deep into his pockets as he attempts to ignore the self-loathing that courses through him.

“You can’t do that, Ben,” Callum says. 

Ben stares at Callum’s shoes. They’re nice, work appropriate, and it is closer to Callum than he has been in… over a month now. Ben’s sitting on the bench outside the Vic, hands clasped together as he leans on his knees. He wanted a break, a breather, a moment in time to collect his thoughts and his pain and try to contain it so the world doesn’t see. 

He doesn’t speak. 

“You broke up with me, remember?” Callum asks. This makes Ben lift his head and he so desperately wants to take it back but the words get swallowed. “I need to be able to move on, or at least try. I don’t deserve this.” 

He’s sitting on his mum’s couch. 

The lights are off, and there’s no one to see him. When he lifts a hand to his cheek he finds it wet but he lets the tears fall, he forces himself to feel. There’s so much anger, so much hatred. He lets out a deep breath. All the anger and hatred is mostly aimed at himself. 

“Ben?” His mum’s voice is quiet in the darkness as she walks down the stairs. “What are you doing up?” 

Ben doesn’t reply. 

The footsteps come closer, until his mother is standing next to him. She crouches down and presses a warm hand to his cheek, wiping away the drying tears. 

“What’s going on in there?” she asks. 

Ben’s nose is clogged when he tries to take a breath in through them, and she finds him a tissue. 

“This about Callum?” 

At her words his hands freeze, squeezing the tissue and ripping it to shreds. 

Arms wrap around him, pulling his head in to pillow against her shoulder, and she strokes his head with her hand. 

“What happened between you two? You were so happy, and then suddenly…” 

“I ended it,” Ben says. 

“Why?” she asks. 

He sniffs. “I’ll only hurt him, ruin his life. He deserves to be happy,” he says. 

“And you don’t?”

Ben feels tears start to well in his eyes again.  _ No _ , he thinks.  _ I don’t. _

She pulls his head up so he has to look her in the eyes; they are sad but emphatic when she continues: “You deserve to be as happy as the next person. He wanted to be with you, that much was obvious. You deserve happiness too,” she says. A thumb swipes at his cheek, drying away a tear. “You have no idea what’ll happen in the future, so all this talk about what will happen is useless.” 

Ben takes in the sincerity in her eyes, the strength. 

“I just made him miserable,” he says. 

At this, she smiles. “You made him happy, too. Don’t forget that.” 

It breaks a little part inside him, the part that doesn’t know if he is good enough for it all, for love. If he made Callum happy… that’s got to mean something. 

She leaves him to it, going up to bed with a glass of water after kissing his forehead. When he goes upstairs and tries to sleep, his breathing comes easier, a weight slightly lifted. He falls asleep and when he wakes up he feels a little stronger, like one day he might be able to cast it off. 

Ben wants to talk to him but whenever he tries to, he can’t seem to get the words out. Nothing he says can make up for all the bad, nothing can excuse what he told Callum when he ended things. 

In the end, he finds Callum sitting outside the Vic a few days later, sun shining in his face. 

Ben’s feet bring him close before he can decide not to, until he stands in front of Callum and waits for him to realise he’s there. 

It doesn’t take long; the crunch of the gravel under Ben’s feet brings Callum out of his reverie, and when he sees Ben he lets out a sigh, getting up so they are facing each other and Ben has to look up to meet his eye. 

There’s so much he wants to say but he has no idea how, the sentence doesn’t want to take shape and he ends up pausing too long. Callum starts walking. 

“Wait, Callum,” Ben says, hand reaching out and grabbing Callum’s arm. It works; he stops, turns around and faces Ben.

It’s the first time they’ve touched since Ben broke up with him. Callum’s eyes flicker down to where Ben’s hand is still clutching him, and Ben lets go, slowly. 

“Can we talk?” Ben asks. 

Callum’s face softens a little at Ben’s voice, but his eyes are still hard, determined. “I ain’t got nothing to say to you,” Callum says. 

“Let me speak then. You were right. I was hiding.” 

Callum eyes him, waiting, still not convinced.

Ben sighs. There’s only one thing to say, if he really wants this, wants to show Callum that he misses him. “I love you,” Ben says, and it hangs in the air between them, an admission way overdue. “I loved you when I said I didn’t, I loved you before you -” He stops, looks up into Callum’s big blue eyes. 

Callum’s not frowning. 

“I know I need to apologise for a lot of things, but I want you back in my life.” His hand itches to take Callum’s, intertwine their fingers, pull him in. “I’m sorry, Callum.”

“I’m not in your world, remember?” Callum says. “All that business with Jack, with Keanu…” 

There’s a lot Ben has to talk about, even if he might leave out the details, but as he stares up at Callum he can’t justify lying, not to him. “I’ll tell you whatever you want,” Ben says. 

“You can’t just throw me away when this gets scary,” Callum says, anger rising. “Hide from your feelings because it makes it easier.” 

Ben does reach out, slowly, waiting to see if Callum’ll react and pull away. Callum’s hand is warm, warmer than it has any right to be after he has been sitting outside in late January, and he doesn’t flinch when Ben holds on. 

“I can’t promise you I won’t ever do it again.” Ben wants to be honest, even if it isn’t the right thing to say. “But I can promise that I’ll try to talk to ya, instead of pushing you away.” 

Callum takes a deep breath, and finally,  _ finally, _ Ben sees a hint of his Callum back in those blue eyes. “You love me?” he asks, voice wavering. 

Ben nods. “I love you, Callum Highway.” 

Callum’s expression shifts, and all of a sudden he is smiling. 

Ben takes a tiny step closer. 

“It took you long enough,” Callum says. 

“Come here,” Ben replies, and his hand pulls Callum closer. 

Callum’s lips are just as soft as he remembers, and the something missing from his life slots into place with the touch. Callum puts a hand on Ben’s cheek and pulls him closer, keeping their lips together. Precious seconds fly by, and Ben wants to go back in for more when Callum pulls away. 

“You have got a lot of explaining to do, Ben Mitchell,” Callum says. 

“I know,” Ben replies. 

Callum pulls at his hand and walks them both towards the undertaker’s office. 

“You going back to work?” Ben asks. 

Callum smiles at him and shakes his head. “Not exactly.” 

He opens the door and Jay peeps his head out of the office. 

“Callum, you back?” 

“I’m taking the afternoon off, if that’s alright.” 

Jay sees Ben, their hands, and Callum’s smile. “Right… You two finally sorted everything?” 

“Not yet,” Callum says. 

Jay goes back to his office. “With all your moping I don’t want you back before you do sort it.” 

Ben should send him a text later to say thank you. 

They end up in the flat, and before Ben can take his coat off Callum has him pressed against the door Ben just closed behind him, mouth on his. 

“Moping?” Ben asks between kisses. 

“Shut up,” Callum says, and he laughs. 

It fills Ben with something so good he can’t help but smile as well. 

He does make Callum happy. 

It’s a feeling he wants to hold on to with everything he’s got, but then Callum pulls at his jacket and Ben only wants to hold on to him. 

**Author's Note:**

> Ben and Callum just deserve some happiness okay. This was not beta'd by anyone so it could be a hot mess, I apologise if it is OoC or just plain terrible.
> 
> If you read this and enjoyed it, I would love to hear what you thought! Leave a comment to make me smile. I'm escapingreality51 on tumblr if you want to come and say hi, I would love to chat <3


End file.
